Midnight Drama

It's passed 12 in the morning. Once again, I am haunted by my painful past. And all I can do about it now is to puke it out of my mind. Ugh. Christmas Day had passed already, and yet I still feel so cold. I greeted her a merry Christmas. She returned it and I felt good. But somehow, the days continued to pass- and this time, I don't know what to say to her and I feel colder and colder each day.

It was back in November 8 when she and I had last met. Band, she, and I had our first gig at headstock bar, somewhere in Marikina. Yeah, we got to play in front of other bands. Even though we weren't able to put up a 100 percent of our performance, we were left comments by other bands that we played really good- just a bit more practice needed. It sounded harsh, but the constructive criticism is really uplifting, encouraging us to do better next time. It was that night when I got "too" close to her. I was too shy at first, but I realized that I had my arm around her- I meant to walk beside her when we were on our way home. I turned red when she said "bakit?" (Hahahahaha!!! Funny reactions ahead!) And I said "wala lang" with a gulp. But I tried starting a simple warm conversation with her, and- yeah. We just talked simply.

(Sigh. Painful words are coming out in a moment.) The next morning, I checked my phone, and I realized bass girl texted me good night. It also included the thought "Ang galing mo mag drums, drummer boy!" Damn, I felt asleep before I had read the text message, and I would've replied right away. That was the time when I felt so down- failing to make her feel warm. And my issue started with a Facebook courtship. I told her via message that I enjoyed the night- my first gig with her. I told her also that I want to "take another step to her." But the absence of our communications (which I've never anticipated) got nigh, and my agonizing wait for her permission to start a fun, warm, sincere relationship got me blowing up in the inside. So, I searched for outlets and eventually posted real emotional stuff on my FB wall and I deleted them right away right after I feel better. I was really in agony that time- especially when I realize profile updates regardless the response. (Oh, man. I just wanna blame myself for my immaturity, stupidity, and impatience for that- and I think jumping to another scenario's a comfy way to avoid the pain. Ugh.)

Then it was the night before our next band meeting when I texted her about band updates. She replied, saying that she's completely unaware of what had been going on during the long week break from the gig. She told me to ask our band guitarist- since he's in charge of the band's meeting schedules. Then I did what she told me, texted guitarist, told me that our meeting would be at four in the after;noon. Then I texted bass girl that band meeting would be at four. It was really exciting for me to be able to see her again after; all the long agonizing wait, until the next day when she was absent. (It's a natural reaction for me to go insane) So, three of us jammed- and even completed a new song in just one session. Then it was time to go home, check FB to check if she's online. Then the real drama begun. (I gotta take a deep breath first before going on.. Okay, here I go.) I saw her online, so I immediately chatted her. I asked her how her day was- I even told her about the progress that we made in our jam, and it would have been more enjoyable if she was there with us. Hehe. Besides, the band and I were in a complete cheerful mood. And I accidentally made a silly mistake that broke everything between me and her. I knew that time that she's barely enduring her role as the band's bass player, and I've been very supportive to her. I opened up to her about our "bassist mo ako, drummer kita" mutuality. Sadly, she told me to forget about that. (Ouch!) Yeah, I understand that she's just enduring her role as that, which is not her forte. And I tried my best to keep that holding up. After many comforting words, the connection ended.

Next day again, guitarist created an FB page for the band, which included us four. Then he suddenly chatted me that bass girl left the group. I just wanted to thrash my laptop that moment since it was crushing. And bass girl told me that she's officially leaving the band. There was nothing I could say. I understand her, and I respect her decision, so I let it be. That day's night was the second to the biggest "drama night" because that was the time when our connection had to end. (Tsk. I gotta call this quits for now.)

So, the second gig, which was a week ago, was cold. Even though our performance went very well, I still felt.. Incomplete. (Sigh.) If I were to be asked what would my wish be, I would wish that she could at least watch us on our incoming third gig. Just that.

*Logged out!

My Second Gig

Thursday night was a party, in spite of the morning's exhausting prelims. Jade, Ching, and I headed to BKB (Black Kings' Bar) Bar at around 6 in the afternoon after having our last minute practice. We arrived an hour later- thanks to the cavalry left to us by the construction sites at Quezon Ave. What was more of a real pain in the ass was that we rode a taxi from Espana to West Avenue because jeeps would only welcome smokes into our nostrils, and cabs would really take us to quicker routes to get to the gig. Unfortunately, all shortcuts are clogged. Trucks, vans, and others poured into every intersection just to avoid the heavy traffic, and that left the taxi driver no choice but to drive forward into the bottleneck attempting to get ahead of the other cars, while the meter continued to spike up every time. Moving on, there were ten bands that enlisted, and we were the fourth (supposed to be the fifth because the band ahead of us couldn't make it.) There, the gig went without a hitch. I wasn't able to do much warm-ups on the drums. But still, our performance went well, even though there were slight mistakes that Ching (even I) had committed. We started with our original song titled "Wag Kang Maingay", and its pop-rocky melodies and beats had set a groovy mood to the musically "heavy metal" environment. Well, it's nice to play a different genre among the common hard rockers. At least we were able to catch their attention and put on a different feel for them, to say the least. There was this portion of the song that I did a sub-vocal on. I remembered that my pipes itched all the sudden, leading me to choke on my part. I'm not so sure though. but I think I slightly stalled on my drumming part because I also did a sub-vocal part and when I got lost, then my drumming would also be affected. Anyway, what mattered the most is that I kept going on the drums, (since that's my main concentration for the band) and I realized after our performance that I sped up on my drumming, making the others catch up with me. Hehe. It was really cool that they managed to catch up with me regarding my sudden increase in tempo, but I think that was because of the lack of warm-ups before playing our songs. Anyway, we played three songs (actually four, if our experimental sound check counted). We first played our sound check, then two of our most-favored-to-play" songs, then a cover of Flyleaf's "Breathe Today." We received comments from the other bands that we had nice original songs. Hehe. It was another achievement for the band to receive such a nice comment from others. And yeah, we will continue to make much better music for our next coming gigs. After our performance, we sat on our tables to just chill with san-mig lights and watch the other bands play. Uhm, I wanted to sleep after our performance because I was physically worn down, but I had to keep my eyes wide open- of course, its a social event especially to other bands. Hehe. I tried to talk to others, but I couldn't think of anything to talk about. Besides, I was also mentally exhausted that time. So, I just sat there with band mates and have more pictorials (just to keep me awake- for my part. Hehe.) But I was too taciturn during that time and I forced myself to talk and respond attentively to what asks for a response. Hehe. But it's a really comforting thing that they allowed me to be me that time. Hehe. I was too quiet, and that's very evident to them, and yet they let me be. So, there it is: my band's second gig! It was exhausting, but it's enjoyed! Ayt! Blog again soon! :)

Modern Gender Psychology: From My Perspective

I just had breakfast with my sisters, and they came across this topic about what-I-used-to-describe as irrelevant: relationships. They shared a story about their particular friend who appeared as someone cool, and has a girl who really likes him. Then it came out that their guy friend fell "head over heels" for the girl. First impressions last, man! Not all guys can stay like that forever because we pretty much are cool and arrogant on the outside until we listen to how we are feeling inside. (For the current readers: absolute mushiness ahead, you guys might wanna take a detour to the second paragraph if you don't wanna read on.) That explains why that guy suddenly shifted his personality. Besides, he's already revealing his true colors to the other person. But what I found really annoying (and I think I don't want to engage in these situations if ever this mentality of the women is true) is that the girl suddenly turns off towards the psycho shift and leaves the guy sad and post really emotional shit on Facebook. Uhm, I don't know why there are such connotations towards both genders. I saw this sign board in the mall saying that men easily get taunted by women and enslave them forever. I also didn't like the image it portrayed that women follow their minds, and the men follow their balls. No offense. Besides, this is just what I see. Remember the issues of gender discrimination that our teachers taught us before? That was history when the men used to take over the world while the women be their loyal followers. I think the issue did not disappear at all. Judging from the present gender connotations, it tells me that gender discrimination is still there, and this time, the women are taking over. Ugh! I thought we all should view one another as equals? Hmm. Anyway, I'm still cool. But not all persons are like that, I believe. There are just only those who are insecure, giving them this kind of mentality. But whatever. Things don't really matter as much as before to me after learning from the breakfast table discussion of how mentality operates during emotional situations.But one thing's certain: I'm going to stay the way I am. It doesn't matter anymore what people think of me- whether sincere or stupid. Besides, people who thinks that way are just insecure and they are the ones that deserve to be thought as those things. Yes, people are still people, and that's a fact. Live with it and prove to them you are much more mature than they are.