Midnight Drama

It's passed 12 in the morning. Once again, I am haunted by my painful past. And all I can do about it now is to puke it out of my mind. Ugh. Christmas Day had passed already, and yet I still feel so cold. I greeted her a merry Christmas. She returned it and I felt good. But somehow, the days continued to pass- and this time, I don't know what to say to her and I feel colder and colder each day.

It was back in November 8 when she and I had last met. Band, she, and I had our first gig at headstock bar, somewhere in Marikina. Yeah, we got to play in front of other bands. Even though we weren't able to put up a 100 percent of our performance, we were left comments by other bands that we played really good- just a bit more practice needed. It sounded harsh, but the constructive criticism is really uplifting, encouraging us to do better next time. It was that night when I got "too" close to her. I was too shy at first, but I realized that I had my arm around her- I meant to walk beside her when we were on our way home. I turned red when she said "bakit?" (Hahahahaha!!! Funny reactions ahead!) And I said "wala lang" with a gulp. But I tried starting a simple warm conversation with her, and- yeah. We just talked simply.

(Sigh. Painful words are coming out in a moment.) The next morning, I checked my phone, and I realized bass girl texted me good night. It also included the thought "Ang galing mo mag drums, drummer boy!" Damn, I felt asleep before I had read the text message, and I would've replied right away. That was the time when I felt so down- failing to make her feel warm. And my issue started with a Facebook courtship. I told her via message that I enjoyed the night- my first gig with her. I told her also that I want to "take another step to her." But the absence of our communications (which I've never anticipated) got nigh, and my agonizing wait for her permission to start a fun, warm, sincere relationship got me blowing up in the inside. So, I searched for outlets and eventually posted real emotional stuff on my FB wall and I deleted them right away right after I feel better. I was really in agony that time- especially when I realize profile updates regardless the response. (Oh, man. I just wanna blame myself for my immaturity, stupidity, and impatience for that- and I think jumping to another scenario's a comfy way to avoid the pain. Ugh.)

Then it was the night before our next band meeting when I texted her about band updates. She replied, saying that she's completely unaware of what had been going on during the long week break from the gig. She told me to ask our band guitarist- since he's in charge of the band's meeting schedules. Then I did what she told me, texted guitarist, told me that our meeting would be at four in the after;noon. Then I texted bass girl that band meeting would be at four. It was really exciting for me to be able to see her again after; all the long agonizing wait, until the next day when she was absent. (It's a natural reaction for me to go insane) So, three of us jammed- and even completed a new song in just one session. Then it was time to go home, check FB to check if she's online. Then the real drama begun. (I gotta take a deep breath first before going on.. Okay, here I go.) I saw her online, so I immediately chatted her. I asked her how her day was- I even told her about the progress that we made in our jam, and it would have been more enjoyable if she was there with us. Hehe. Besides, the band and I were in a complete cheerful mood. And I accidentally made a silly mistake that broke everything between me and her. I knew that time that she's barely enduring her role as the band's bass player, and I've been very supportive to her. I opened up to her about our "bassist mo ako, drummer kita" mutuality. Sadly, she told me to forget about that. (Ouch!) Yeah, I understand that she's just enduring her role as that, which is not her forte. And I tried my best to keep that holding up. After many comforting words, the connection ended.

Next day again, guitarist created an FB page for the band, which included us four. Then he suddenly chatted me that bass girl left the group. I just wanted to thrash my laptop that moment since it was crushing. And bass girl told me that she's officially leaving the band. There was nothing I could say. I understand her, and I respect her decision, so I let it be. That day's night was the second to the biggest "drama night" because that was the time when our connection had to end. (Tsk. I gotta call this quits for now.)

So, the second gig, which was a week ago, was cold. Even though our performance went very well, I still felt.. Incomplete. (Sigh.) If I were to be asked what would my wish be, I would wish that she could at least watch us on our incoming third gig. Just that.

*Logged out!